Questions, but no answers

Thanks again for the comments on my last post.

Last week's pow-wow represented a certain degree of decisiveness, but that's about all. The adoption paperwork will continue to sit in my office, probably for at least the rest of 2007. You could say that my sense of motivation is lacking, or I'm tired, or I'm sad and kind of pissed off. All would be the truth.

The other day we hung out with D.'s family for Father's Day. Two very young kids were there -- our almost-2-year-old niece and her almost-1-year-old cousin. They were really cute, but I felt kind of detached while I was playing with them. I didn't have the sharp pangs of sadness or envy that I've felt in the past. While in the bathroom, I looked at all the primary colors of the bath toys and thought it would be kind of nice to see these kiddie things in the Bungalow. But I couldn't work up to anything stronger than "kind of nice."

If I were to sit down with the adoption paperwork and answer the very basic question, "Why do you want to adopt a child?", I'm not sure what I would say. I can't even answer the questions of "Do I really truly want to be a parent -- and why?"

And I'm rather ashamed that I tried for almost 3 years to conceive, and yet I don't have a good answer to those questions. Was I just running on an autopilot sort of quest, trying to "take charge" of my fertility, "achieve" pregnancy, and "conquer" infertility? In the chivalric motivational language of infertility books, there seems to be a focus on action and defense -- with occasional meditation and visualization -- but true introspection, not so much. Even in 9 months of twice-monthly sessions with a professional infertility counselor, I never had to really justify my wish to have a child. It was assumed, or easily explained. And somehow that wish became entangled with a need. But it wasn't always, and I want to unravel the two; I'm sick of tripping on this line. 

Sometimes I think to myself, "What do I really want?" and the answer is often, "For this to have never happened. To be fertile. To be on my second pregnancy by now." (Alternate answer: "A flux capacitor." Per Back to the Future and The Time Traveler's Wife, it is occasionally appropriate to tinker with the space-time continuum for the sake of one's children.)

But, alas, this is reality.

Comments

[Louise]

I can relate to this post in some ways...It is exhausting to have to prove why I want to have a child.

[Irish Girl]

Wow. I could have written this post myself. I found you today via a blog search for other women who chose childfree after infertility (even though it looks as though you're not decided). We're undecided too - after over four years of trying - we face the same tough choices as you.

What really hit home about this post, for me, is that I am really struggling to figure out what I really want. And why! For SO long it was to get pregnant, have a baby, and live happily ever after. But years of struggles and disappointments forced me to take a good long hard look in the mirror and face my other demons too. What ELSE do I want? Other than to be a mom. I decided I wanted to pursuit my nursing degree (something I planned to do once my kids were school aged). And now I'm more than halfway through the program! Currently, I am on the pill because I want to put the kid thing on hold until I achieve this other dream of mine. It's been really healthy and helpful. In the process of doing that, I've also been "tripping over the line" (love that!) and tangled up in what the RIGHT choice really is for us.

Truth be told. I never thought I would consider childfree. But I'm starting to feel that my life is so good exactly as it is right now. Do I really want to become a parent or is it just something to achieve. Something I assumed I'd be before I examined what I WANT to be.

I don't know, friend. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I'm relieved to find you here today because it means I'm not the only one. Thank you. Sorry to ramble on ...

[Irish Girl]

BTW - my husband also had a varicocelectomy. August of '05. It did nothing to help us either - save for the fact that I will NEVER forget he was willing to have his balls cut open to help me (us) achieve a dream. Oh wow, how I do love that man so.

Actually, his numbers went DOWN after the 3 month post op check. Down further at 6 months post op. We never checked again after that. That 6month mark was our last IUI cycle.

New doc says I don't ovulate on my own. Ha! So glad no one else told us that!

It's a crazy ride, isn't it?

[Pamela Jeanne]

Oh how I know that detachment feeling. For me in many ways, I think it's a defense mechanism. If I connect deeply with young ones I fear my heart will break one more time and I don't think I could stand it.

As for the adoption papers, it seems perfectally understandable why you (or me, or most people -- fertile or infertile) would find it hard to answer such questions on a form. How can such a sterile sheet of paper possibly inspire? This is about a human connection after all. Can you imagine if we had to justify or explain or defend our love for our spouses *before* we ever met them? Could anything possibly be more absurd?

[serenity]

Oh, Ellen. Infertility takes so much from us. It's just not fair that we have to justify why we want to be parents, when so many others don't have to.

And Pamela Jeanne said it SO well.

The only thing I want to add: be careful. At some point, you started trying for a family because you *wanted* to be a mom. It was a simple choice back then. You wanted a family.

And what's happening now - the detachment - might just be a reaction to being hurt for so long. When you want something that badly for that long, it's hard to separate the emotions from the real issue. And gain objectivity.

I just would hate to see infertility rob you of an ability to make a choice here... living child free should be you and your husband's CHOICE. Not a fallback because you're afraid you can't justify why you want to adopt a child.

Either way, I do hope that you can find a choice that makes you happy. You deserve so much.

[Nichole]

This is my first time reading your blog (thank you for the nice comment on mine by the way) I am so blessed to have found your blog! I am facing the same "demons" you are right now. We were recently told that IUI would not be an option for us. Only IVF or adoption. (Neither of which we can afford) So recently, I have really been considering being childless. At least for now. Maybe in 10 or 15 years I could revisit the IVF or adoption thing, but I am just trying to figure out what it is that I want and WHY I want it. I just think that Infertility really has a way of screwing up your prospective. Infertility sucks. No if's and's or but's!

[Erin]

I think we get so caught up in the mechanics of infertility that it's really easy to lose sight of the goal of being a parent. Am I pursuing this because it's the next step or because I really want to? Being infertile makes us question things we never thought we'd question. I know you've been living a child-free life--why not try living a child-full life for a while? Babysit, volunteer with Big Sisters, etc. Try to decide if you really want to parent, or if you're happy enough with a childfree life that you feel ready to stop. If you decide that you really want to parent, I'll bet that you'll figure out the answers to those questions on the adoption forms. If not, it might help with solidifying your feelings.

But overall, this whole infertility thing sucks, and a flex capacitor is a really good idea. Just wanted to get that out there as well!

[sharah]

I have a lot to say in response, but I think I'm just going to write it tomorrow or Friday. You and all the comments here have definitely given me something to think about.

[Kareno]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so confused and numb. Will be thinking of you and visiting your blog often. Hang in there and be kind to yourself!

[MLO]

I've begun to wonder if I'm numb to all the disappointments already. I've been burned by the medical community's lack of knowledge so many times I am completely unfazed that we didn't make it to transfer on Father's Day.

Oh yeah, it was on Father's Day. The doctor has been wonderful about it, that isn't the issue. Rather it is that I wonder if I'm just so numb that rather than really being of the belief that this was a "dry run" that it was an almost unreal experience.

I hope I don't lose it during our post-IVF consult. I can almost see us living childfree - and have been ready for adoption for a long time.

Your post has really made me think.

Thank-you!

MLO

[Jenna]

The problem is, once again we are faced with another little gem of the infertility aftermath. Our fertile counterparts would never be faced with these questions. They simply go about life and do what they are suppose to do... procreate. The infertiles, who are constantly facing challenge after challenge and are assaulted with decisions and sacrifices, in the end need to combat this last hurdle. Why do I want to parent anyway? The questions is as overwhelming and mutilfaceted as the meaning of life itself. But that is more a rhetorical question, where this one is something concrete that everyone seems to know the answers to but us. A fertile can answer this question with a glance at their progeny. We, must look into the air and find a reason that will validate our financial deprivation, our tears, and anger. There is no such reason that will be good enough for the adoption agency, the social workers, the friends, parents, relatives, coworkers... or Oprah Winfrey for that matter.

[Lee]

E - I hadn't been to your blog in ages, and now I remember why I bookmarked you.

I've had a lot of complicated feelings lately about children and infertility. While going through fertility treatments, we were hoping for twins. When we chose adoption, we said we would take twins. And during our wait for referral, we were sure we would get right back "in line" for a second child. Looking back, I'm amazed at two things: first, that I have a new respect and understanding for people who choose to remain childless, and I think I/we would have been just fine individually and as a couple if we had remained childless (don't get me wrong, I adore our daughter!); and second, I think one child will be enough for us. The bitch of it is that there is no way I could have gotten to this feeling without having the first child.

Anyway, this is a long-winded way of stating the obvious. If you do decide to pursue adoption, it is helpful to focus on that first child. It is hard to truly know if you want more children before you have the first one!

[In and out of luck]

For me, I keep coming back to the idea of "why shouldn't I have what I want?" I feel like fertile people don't usually spend a lot of time wondering "do I really want children? What is my real motivation?" Or "Do I really want more than one? Is that too much to ask? Am I cheating my first child by pursuing a second?" simply because they don't have to. They get pregnant before those questions have time to come up. And maybe it's good to ask those questions, but for me, enough is enough. I don't want to come to a place of denying myself something that I fundamentally feel I deserve - the right to plan my family. It's not easy. We worked hard to have #1 and we're working hard to have #2. And #2 might well come to us through adoption. Being IF, I have to be willing to change course. But to deprive myself, if indeed it feels like deprivation? No.

[Bea]

Ah. That question. I have never found a satisfactory answer. I wrote down a whole lot of stuff - you know, the usual, the wanting to know parental love, experience this big thing together as a couple, pass on the knowledge and experiences I cherish... Mr Bea wasn't terribly impressed. He said it was a nice justification, but didn't quite hit it home. In the end, I find I can't give a good enough answer.

Bea

[Kami]

I think I understand where you are at. We have been ttc #1 for over 5 years now and have recently decided to move to donor eggs. I often question why I wanted to be a mom and why I can't seem to let go and live child free. I have a good life and a loving husband. We would have SO much more money if it wasn't going to fertility treatments.

Sometimes I think it is just millions of years of programming. It is instinctual to reproduce and all our reasons are just post-decision rationalizations for a innate drive that we cannot describe. Why do I want to be a mom? Just because. I can't help but want it.

BTW, I want two kids too. I have no idea how that will work, but I don't think that is being too selfish. I hope.

[Aunt Sassy]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. I have been wondering just this myself lately. At some point, I started TTC b/c I wanted children. And then I think I lost that somewhere along the way. I wonder myself if I am just continuing TTC just b/c it is something I started and I was told not to be a quitter.

Several months ago, dh and I talked in very preliminary terms about the possibility of adoption. I considered getting papers recently... and then realized... how would I answer those questions??? So I just have decided to put off even considering it for now. Maybe, like some have said... it is a numb detachment from the battering IF has given us. I don't know. BUT thank you for putting it in writing.

[beagle]

In my many odd quests for "achieving" pregnancy, I went to this (kind of granola) workshop that hit on this very question. Her feeling was that IF is at least in part due to a psychological block, blah blah . . . anyway, I gave all the usual answers there too (I want to share what I have to offer with a child, teach them what I know, etc.) And we all gave those answers. And to each of us she said, "No, keep thinking." Well, I have (and two years later) the most honest thing I can come up with is that I want a chance to try to be the parent I wish I had had.

I wonder what granola workshop leader would say to that one?

And more importantly, is this a good reason to have a child?

I'm not sure I'll ever know, but I am pretty sure that most fertiles never even ontemplate this stuff.