Stay that course, damn it! (updated)

Like nearly everyone, I read that the Tyra Banks talk show is looking for infertile women in the NYC area to talk about "staying the course" after failed treatments. Once again I am irritated by the emphasis on commitment at all costs and all odds. Such stories may inspire many, but they also send the message that infertility has only one possible ending -- success through the birth or adoption of a child. This was articulated by poster #58 to Judith Warner's controversial latest column on international surrogacy: "When every female newscaster touts her children on air, every 47-year old actress is having twins, every movie story line winds up with the birth of a child — it leaves those for whom the baby story didn’t come true feeling like like we’ve done something wrong to wind up as we are. We can’t do this all on our own. Right now, parenthood is the only game in town. There are absolutely no role models, no stories, no articles on childlessness — except on how to change that state. Nothing protects us from public approbation, like the bombardment of suggestions to take in one of the world’s needy, regardless of our own confidence in our ability to do so."

How nice it would be for once if the media wanted to hear from women who had been there, tried that, and chose to walk away to rebuild their lives, and from the many women who didn't have much choice but were shut out: those who were discriminated against in adoption because of age, weight, bank account, or sexual orientation; too poor to use donor eggs; too much at odds with their partners; and too ethical or too religious to accept some other "easy" solutions. Tyra is always talking about "being fierce" and "making it your own." The women who are resolving long-term infertility without children embody those ideas. They are the bravest souls I know. Where is their show?

UPDATE: Thank you to Star and Mel for the information on what appears to be an "intervention" approach to the Tyra Show. Disgusting. I sent a flurry of emails last night.

Comments

[beagle]

The implication seems to be that if you want it badly enough you can make it happen. No one seems to want to ask "at what cost?"

Also I know many of us have given it our "all" and are still standing here with empty arms.

Maybe choosing childfree is the bravest choice. It certainly srikes me as being the hardest.

[loribeth]

Wow. Poster #58 is dead on (as are you, & Beagle!). Thank you for this.

You know, Nancy was writing on her blog recently about feeling like she wanted to do something for childfree after infertility women, but not knowing what that should be. I think that having the members of our infertility community simply acknowledging that childfree IS an option (albeit not a very popular or well understood one, at present) is a big step in the right direction. I have read countless, countless books & articles about infertility, & only a handful ever give childfree more than the briefest of mentions. We need to get away from the idea that the only worthwhile life includes a baby. To be a parent is a wonderful, wonderful thing, absolutely no doubt about it -- but those of us who realize it isn't going to happen for us need to feel that our lives are valued too.

[Bea]

We definitely need to show more respect for those who choose - freely or after much heartbreak - not to have children. I was discussing this with Mr Bea last night. At one point, the parent role was under-appreciated, and as it largely fell to mothers, it was particularly an issue for women. Then we went through this whole backlash where parents were held up as gods and martyrs: "I was so busy today!" "What, curing cancer? {snort} Try having a two-year-old." I mean, come on.

I hope the pendulum is finally swinging in to balance. We need a lot of different roles filled in order to make society work. Parenting is one of them, yes, but it is only one.

Bea

[KateW]

Just chiming in to say, "SING IT, SISTER!" I always feel guilty when I explain that (after much soul searching) we are NOT going to pursue ARTs. And we're not going to pursue adoption, either. We very much want children, but if it doesn't happen, then we will just have to learn to live with it. You don't always have to "burn out" to make it to that place. Sometimes, it just comes out that way, you know?
I felt similarly to you when I read about the Tyra Banks thing.

[Pamela Jeanne]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I couldn't have expressed it any better than you dear Miss E, commenter #58 and your other commenters here. So good to know that there are others out there who recognize how warped the perceptions are, and to know that there are those working to provide another point of view. It's a tough, tough assignment in many respects, but it won't happen unless we're willing to suit up. I am more than ready to do my bit.

[MLO]

A perfect commentary on that piece. I'm a little annoyed with the NYT blog since they have not approved my response disputing several of their so-called "facts." I think I will have to recreate it for my blog...

[TABI]

I think you are so right that being child free is never even talked about as a choice or an outcome. I keep trying to conceive, on my IVF#3, but many have not been successful and I think it would be comforting to have more stories of people's lives continuing to thrive without children. When you are struggling with IF you are made to feel like if you end up childless you are a total failure. So it would help everyone to know that you will get through this okay no matter what.

[Star]

And check out the latest post at Stirrup Queens; apparently what the Tyra Banks Show is up to is somewhat different than it was made out to be. Not that I have ever watched or would ever watch her anyway, but this is really gross.

[luna]

thank you so much for this post. it is so right on, as are all the insightful comments here. I couldn't say it better myself. miss e on the limited options for many, #58 on the public perception and lack of positive models, beagle on bravery, loribeth on valuing the lives of those living childfree, all of it. yes, yes, yes. thank you. ~luna