Two and done

My family gave SIL #1 a baby shower on Saturday.  We had a great turnout, and SIL received a lot of her registry items, not just clothes like at her previous shower, but then, who can resist buying baby girl clothes?  I worked in retail for awhile, so I know it's not an accident that the baby girl section is always closer to the main entrance or aisles. 

SIL #2 has a scheduled C-section next Friday, and she looked terribly uncomfortable but said she was doing all right.  "I have a lot more energy this time," she said.  "I don't have a choice, though."  Her 17-month-old son was running around and putting everything in his mouth, and I was reminded that this is How Things Go -- meaning that 18 months between babies is not that unusual and many Americans want a 2- to 3-year age difference.

I've had a lot of such reminders lately, as I've tried to get out more often with the girls.  Now I'm not the only one dealing with two children at the playground or at storytime.  Sometimes a woman is babysitting an additional child, but more often there is an older toddler or young preschooler and a young infant. 

Sometimes I feel resentful for a few moments at what may or may not have been easy fertility, but mostly I feel overwhelmed for that woman, because she looks so tired.  Her attention is divided now; her movements are abrupt; her gaze lingers on one child and darts toward the other.  She's speaking my body language.  

My new nieces are arriving just as my daughters' babyhoods end.  When SIL #2 had her first baby shower in Nov 09, I sat on the ground and recorded the gifts, nodding knowingly or adding to the chorus of admiration.  This time, I stood in the doorway, sort of watching the gift opening but mostly keeping an eye on Ivy and Nina in the next room.  I felt a little wistful as SIL #1 held up footed sleeper after footed sleeper, and I had to blink back sudden tears.  (The sleepers are my favorite; I have about two dozen in my cedar chest upstairs.)  And at this shower, I felt out of it because most baby things are out of my house.

Ivy and Nina wear size 3t or 4t tops, but 2t shorts fall off their skinny little toddler butts, which are covered by Dora pull-ups during the day.  We have two potty chairs sitting side by side, stadium seat style.  The last box of daytime diapers was sent to tornado victims in Joplin, Mo.  A crib mattress, high chair, baby monitor, and leftover childproofing items went to an Afghani family on the next block.  I like to give things away.  I've kept a lot of favorite outfits in addition to the footed sleepers, as well as a small box of favorite baby toys -- very little things, like the turtle from the bouncy seat bar, which Nina loved; a funny little dinosaur that says, "Bleh!" when its stomach is squeezed; a very dog-eared, cat-shaped book.  We still use the changing table to store pull-ups, diaper bags, and pajamas.  Otherwise the Pack & Play is the only big baby item left in the house, and that's in the cellar.  We'll keep the double jogger, but I haven't used the double Maclaren umbrella stroller in forever, so I'll probably put it out for the next Kidney Services pick-up.

My own baby showers were 3 years and several Carter's color schemes ago.  I waited for a long time to have that baby experience, and then it was doubled but compressed.  Awhile ago, fellow twin mom Mel wrote that with only twins, you get to do everything twice, but you only get to do it once -- I'm paraphrasing because I can't find the exact quote.  It's an intense experience.  But when it's done, it's done, and I feel that's a gift and -- to me, after the sadness and stagnation of infertility -- even better than How Things Go.

Comments

[serenity]

Sweet post. And so true.

Funny, I like to give things away, too. So now? I wish I had given things away before now. Seems like going through the stuff will be fraught with emotion, whenever I have the strength to do that. *sigh*

xoxo

[Kelley]

Great post. It made me teary eyed too. We have a 2 yr old and 1 yr old boy and girl born after a FET and IVF (they are 15 months apart.) I got pregnant naturally 4 months ago (we have severe male factor and a less than 5 per chance of conceiving on our own) and I had a miscarriage (blighted ovum.) Then we just had our last FET with our last 2 frozen blasts and had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 6 weeks.

We have had 2 wonderful children and have decided whether the FET worked or not we are done. Your post made me think of all the baby things I have recently sold like the clothes, co sleeper etc and also all the items I donated. It made me get teary to think about all the last baby things like the swing, walker, bouncer etc being gone soon, but I feel so grateful for what I have. It makes me think about my baby shower for my son and my shower or "sprinkle" for my daughter and all those times before we had them attending other showers.

Also, I love reading about Nina and Ivy as twins run in my family and my dad and aunt are twins with no other siblings. They are very close.

[sarah]

so true, double, but once. I feel relived to move onto older phases, but also sad to not do it again. But also relieved... weird!

[April]

what a timely post. i've been giving a lot of thought to this lately. i seem to know so many people who are pregnant or about to deliver their second child. i have no idea how i would be able to handle another child. and i'm loving my kids right now. mostly i wonder if i just miss being pregnant? or b/c i know that it took so much effort and will likely never happen again. who knows.

but...nice to know i'm not alone.

[LauraC]

I still get those teary eyed moments but the thing that keeps me grounded is knowing I am a MUCH better older kid mom than a baby mom. Every day is filled with such delight with two 5 year olds. Makes all the hard work the last five years totally worth it.

[Jamie]

Even with three, there are still those wistful moments. I think part of it is just being a mom and now realizing how quickly time passes. There are moments where I know I will miss this age so much (and others where I just want to run away until they are older!)

[Jen]

As usual, very well-written and thought-provoking post!

I'm going to be one of those frazzled moms (with two under 18 months) in just a few short months. And I'm scared shitless.

[Mel]

Oh I know those feelings well. This is a gorgeous post (and I so wish your blog was public so more people could read it -- damn you for thwarting my Friday Blog Roundup plans!)

I gave away/sold a lot of the baby items, but anything that felt irreplaceable, I've held onto because we're not done -- we're in limbo. Still, I don't know what to do with the cribs with the new crib laws. I can't sell them, I don't think I can even legally give them away. Those are the baby items that is the white elephant in the house.

[Kate]

I can relate. I can *so* relate. I think the only way I get through those moments is fantasizing about possibly adding to our family, which at times seems like a really bad idea (the whole intense-DONE-THANK-GOD thing pings my brain often...). I pass adorable girls clothing in stores and I think about having a daughter and I hope that someday it might happen. It's such a long shot, and I know in my heart that I'm just using that thought of possibly having another as some sort of salve, that I doubt I would actually do another fresh cycle and FETs certainly don't have the success rates of fresh cycles.

Anyway, anyway, anyway... great post. Love it. It really made me think about the baby things I wish I would have held on to.

[Bea]

Yes, must be such an intense experience. Me, I feel like I'm having our final baby... twice. I guess I haven't stopped to think much about it yet... probably when the baby stuff starts to go. First round of that is starting soon, so, let you know. In the meantime, hope it's wonderful for you, even though it's compressed.

Bea

[Irish girl]

I so relate to this. As friends who had a child when Ben was born are talking about #2 I find myself thankful that we already have two (and we are done). It was far more difficult than I could have ever imagined adopting the boys four months apart (closest thing to twins I can think of!) and I had many days of extreme exhaustion. Sometimes I questioned whether we made the right decision, especially on the hardest days. But ... We got to do everything twice and back to back. Now That we've made it through the mindhaze of newborn parenthood i know we made the right choice, especially after all the years of heartache and uncertainty. I'd agree that our family has also come to be in a whirlwind but perhaps merciful way, and much better than How Things Go. Two and done is our decision as well.

[peesticksandstones]

Oh, how I've missed you and awesome posts like this. I've got so much to catch up on. But I know you (even though we've ever met) have come to mind at times when I am struggling to wrangle one kid. I don't think I ever see twins (outside of little baby-age, stuck in a stroller) at the playground together with one parent/caregiver. So kudos to you for getting out and exploring the world together, no matter what you do!

There is so much I can say about all that baby "stuff" -- those sleepers and whatnot, the feelings it brings up. But it's hard for me to put into for words. I do admire how mindful you are about how you pass it along. I know we were extremely grateful for any hand-me-down we got -- I appreciated the act of the people giving me the stuff (and sharing their experience) as much the items themselves.

Thanks for the great insight on the freelancing-mom stuff. Argh, so much to figure out. But so happy to know you are there :)