I've been quiet this week. Part of it is because I'm freelancing again -- I don't anticipate that I'll be able to carry anything close to the pre-twins workload, but it feels good to be working even an hour or two every day. I've also been finishing American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld, which is due back at the library tomorrow. The first two parts were very good; the third, less so. The girls seem to be in a growth spurt -- suddenly Nina looks quite lanky -- and Ivy is teething but happy. They will be 6 months old next Wednesday. I can't believe it, either.
So I've been busy, yes, but also wondering what to say, and how much to say, about some circumstances weighing on my mind. Both my brothers' wives are trying to get pregnant. One (SIL #1) has been TTC on and off for nearly a year -- but my brother has been working out of town most weeks, and then they stopped TTC for a few months when she got accepted to nursing school, so it hasn't really been a year, but we all know that even though others might say, "Well, those weeks/months don't really count," they do count emotionally. And my other brother got married in late October and his wife (SIL #2), who at age 33 is 3 years older than him, has suddenly bumped up her baby timeline from "maybe never" to "right now." She is charting ("Have you heard of Fertility Friend?" she asked), drinking tons of green tea, freaking out about her age -- awhile ago I told her that she should probably worry instead about my brother's sperm quality because he is a p.ilot who drinks about 10 cups of coffee/day, which led her to order P.reseed, which I told her is a running joke among urologists and REs. I really like her, but I have a hard time listening to the anxieties of someone who has been TTC for just 2 months. I'm too much of a cynic. Yes, I was once there -- half a decade ago. In April 2005, a year after we started TTC, we were each diagnosed with subfertility. And not all the joy of the last year can erase the pain of the preceding 3 years and the irritation with which I recall that first year of trying on our own -- the gung-ho charting, the loud beep of the thermometer every morning, trying this, trying that, running to Walgreens every month for a new vitamin or supplement or something, anything.
Infertility also comes back in my concern for SIL #1, who has been married longer, who has wanted a baby longer, and has been trying longer. None of that matters. "It's not a race," we parrot, but it so often feels as though it is. I know how it feels to know that someone else is trying too. I was absolutely jealous that D.'s sister had a baby soon after our IF diagnosis. And, "oh, it's not a race," but even standing across the supposedly nonexistent finish line, I'm acutely aware of how much time has lapsed. Children who were conceived after we began TTC are now in preschool. And Ivy and Nina's cousins are nowhere close to their age.
I'm hypersensitive even on "the other side." My parents bought a crib to keep in their guest room, and I was glad to have it available, but I flinched because SIL #1 stays in that room sometimes, and the sight of the crib might make her unhappy, and so I mentioned it to her, which led to a conversation in which she acknowledged her anxiety about SIL #2's TTC. As we talked, she held Nina on her lap -- Nina with her lovely blue-gray eyes that remind me so much of my brothers -- and kissed the top of her head, and there was a wistfulness in that gesture, a wistfulness so unlike the confidence with which SIL #2 embraces my children. It's the difference between TTC for 2 months and TTC for 10 months. I wish I could just stay busy with my babies and try not to watch another heat of the "not-a-race," but it's very close to home, in more ways than one, and I can't help having a favorite.
What a great post. You know who we are all pulling for now, too.
Cheers,
D.
Posted by: Denise | May 01, 2009 at 10:23 AM
This post hits close to home with me, too. My SIL is I'm certain any day going to announce that she's pregnant with #2. After two early losses, I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. her being pregnant.
But then I talk with my own sister, who went off birth control pills in January of 2007, who still isn't pregnant. And I hear her say things like "sometimes I wonder if someone's trying to tell me something," and "I don't understand how people get pregnant so quickly" and "I was really hoping to be pregnant before such-and-such was."
And my mom says things like "I'm EXPECTING to have more grandkids, you know." It hurts me FOR her.
Thank you for posting this. I know exactly how you feel.
xxx
Posted by: serenity | May 01, 2009 at 01:03 PM
This post totally made me cry. God I hate infertility.
Posted by: Irish Girl | May 02, 2009 at 10:37 AM
Great post!
I've had to grind my teeth more than once recently at our bereaved parents support group meeting, hearing 30-something mothers whining about trying for FOUR WHOLE MONTHS & not getting pregnant again yet, & what's taking so long?? They got pregnant right away the last time... ARGH.
Posted by: loribeth | May 03, 2009 at 03:27 PM
This post had me in tears, too. The wounds heal, but the scars remain.
Posted by: Somewhat Ordinary | May 05, 2009 at 03:42 PM
I'm sorry you had to deal with IF, but I'm glad she has you to watch out for her.
Posted by: sarah | May 06, 2009 at 12:05 PM